


The HP Experience

by utcrypticiores



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Homestuck
Genre: Dave makes it his life goal to embarrass Rose, Gen, Magical quest, set on the meteor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-08
Updated: 2015-11-11
Packaged: 2018-04-30 13:56:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5166329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/utcrypticiores/pseuds/utcrypticiores
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During another long day on the meteor, Dave and Rose end up describing the Harry Potter series to Kanaya. Their story is interrupted by a mysterious "Wizard Quest" set up by one of their friends, and as they solve the wizard themed puzzles they tell Kanaya about the books and try to guess who set up the quest in the first place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was just a weird idea I came up with awhile ago that my good friend, (and mothman), CharmingParadox helped me out with. (https://www.wattpad.com/user/charmingParadox)
> 
> She wrote all of the Dave lines and edited it, and if something made you laugh, it was probably her idea.

The muffled sounds of of Karkat Vantas screaming about something reverberated off the walls and into rooms all over the building. Another average day on the meteor. Day 142. Rose and Kanaya sat around a table and drank something that was carefully alchemized to be almost exactly like tea. For some reason, tea was one of the only things they couldn’t get quite right. It tasted like dishwater, but no one complained. The tea was mostly for looks anyway.

 

Rose rolled her eyes to the ceiling, trying to think of something to break the silence. Or, at least, to punctuate the muffled shouting. Then, with a cloud of dust one of the weighty texts fell off a tall book shelf across the room. Kanaya seemed startled out of her thoughts, but Rose took out one of her knitting needles-turned magic wands and thoughtlessly caught it, keeping it levitated in the air. “Accio gargantuan tome.” She said in a sharp voice and laughed to herself as she moved the book through the air to the table and let it hover between them, earning a blank look from Kanaya. 

“Rose, what’s an an accio?”

The white haired girl looked up and looked up almost cringed, realizing the reference she had made. “Uh, oh, it’s from a human book series about magical education.” 

Kanaya looked just as confused. “So a series of fictitious textbooks, then?” She then remembered how angry Rose could get at the suggestion that magic was fake. “Or, just textbooks?” 

It was at that moment that the door to the room slammed open and Dave came storming in. 

“I just won at Karkat tantrum bingo! And you totally missed it!” He shouted, bursting into the room with a handful of residual bingo markers stuck to his face and cape. 

“I was trying to hang out with the Mayor, who is totally the best, and I guess he suddenly can’t stand rapping now, but like, my raps are totally sweet, and then the one and only Vantas came up and was like, ‘dave your raps are totally stupid shut your stupid freaking mouth’ and then I was like--” He stopped himself, looking at the two girls sitting around a table with the levitating book in between them. “Oh. Am I interrupting something cool going on here or what? Some sort of spooky seance type thing? Levitating book club?”

Kanaya looked over at Dave and frowned, not sure herself. “I believe that Rose was beginning to explain a book series about a levitating wizard school?” 

Dave’s face lit up, and he slid over to them, leaning his face in his hands and propping his elbows on the table. “Harry Potter is the shit! Like, it’s the biggest thing besides totally sick music back on Earth. It’s amazing how has this not come up in discussion, seriously. We have been on this meteor for like practically a year.” He paused to adjust his sunglasses. “But wait, Rose, I thought you hated wizards? You said they were the ‘fuel of your one-up battles’ with your mom. Or some weird shit like that. I don’t even know anymore. like since when have you started liking wizards other than for your weird fanfiction?”

Rose let the book fall onto the table with a thud, and a cloud of dust flew up near where Dave was leaning. “I remain indifferent toward wizards, but Harry Potter has become an important part of 21st century human history, so I can… discern the advantages of discussing it.” She fought to keep her voice straight and to hide her agitation. Dave had to come charging in.

Kanaya tapped the surface of the table with her teal and black painted fingernails. “So who is this Harry wizard? Did he learn pottery at wizarding school? And who is Accio?” 

Rose adjusted the hood of her cloak and started to answer, but Dave beat her to it. 

“A’ight so listen up Maryam. There’s this magic private school that’s reserved for wizards and witches in England. That’s a place on Earth, FYI. They learn spells and such, and use owls for mail, and like, the owls are the best part honestly. Harry’s was named Hedwig, and damn if I may say, that was one gorgeous bird. And in all this, the Beard Wizard Dumbledore acts super chill and hangs out with the kids.” 

Kanaya nodded, pulling out a quill to take notes. “Fascinating. And this Dumbledore, is he like a ruler?”

Rose crossed her arms. “No. He just watches over the children of the school and uses his wisdom to give them advice about their magic, and fighting Voldemort.”

Kanaya looked up from her notes. “Who’s Voldemort?”

Dave smacked the table with both fists and they both jumped in surprise as he looked up at them with a somber expression. “You aren’t supposed to say the name! It’s like rule number one of the books. Number oneeee...” He hissed. 

Kanaya nodded dutifully. “Rule one.” Her quill scratched against the page. Rose sat back in her chair and directed her attention to the ceiling, using one of her wands to dim the lights just slightly to set the mood. If they were going to tell Kanaya about Harry Potter, they might as well tell the story right. She used her best mysterious storytelling voice. “Before Harry was born, the dark wizard Vol--” 

Dave gave her a glare behind his shades and jumped in, “He who shall not be named, killed his parents, because Harry was chosen to do some cool stuff like fight monsters and really similar stuff like we had to do basically.”

“Well, actually He Who Shall Not Be Named made him the chosen one by going after the parents. It’s a very complex tale.” Rose broke back in to the story.

Kanaya nodded as she wrote. “So this dark wizard is similar to our session’s Jack?”

Rose laughed dryly, “Well, not quite…”

Dave locked eyes with Kanaya, and in a sarcastic mock Rose voice said, “Miss Maryam that is exactly correct. Thank you for that statement you so graciously shared.” 

Kanaya smiled. “Thank you, um, Mister Strider.”

Rose used her wand to hit Dave in the back of the head with a couple of pencils and then pluck a title off the high ceiling. “So then Harry goes on to live with some muggles he’s related to--” 

“Non-magic folk. The worst kind.” Dave used an overdramatically disgusted voice. 

Rose picked back up where she left off. “Yes, so then later he learns he’s a wizard, and begins to attend the school, Hogwarts. He meets other young wizards and witches, Like Hermione, who is the smarter girl, and Ron, who is, shall I say the John of the group, and lots of others. The list goes on.” 

Dave started counting on his fingers. “Let’s see, there’s Draco, the Slytherin kid with the sick hair, basically Harry’s arch nemesis after Voldy. But mostly because of this magic sport with a bunch of flying cleaning supplies. I bet they could actually be friends. I mean, I wrote some bro fic about them if you're interested…” Dave went retrieve his fanfiction from his captchalogue modus but Rose rested a hand on his shoulder. 

“Dave, don’t get out the fanfic.”

“Oh but I already got out the fic. I beat you to it. It’s too late now Rose. Too late. Seriously though. I am right in this discussion. I totally win.”

Rose sighed, but ignored him. “There are also new teachers every year--” 

Dave loudly cleared his throat and began to read his fanfiction.

And Rose was like: how about no. 

Dave set the papers down on the table loudly, and slouched back into a chair. “Well, if that’s how you’ll be. Fine I won't read it.” He muttered gloomily. 

Kanaya gestured for Rose to continue and she started up again. “So the Defense against the dark art teacher changes almost every year, and Voldemort gains strength until Harry and his friends have to all leave school to defeat him, in the last book.”

Dave nodded, still disappointed about his fanfic. “Yeah, that’s basically it. Also houses and ghost animals and stuff, but that’s the basics.” 

It was at that moment that a rattling was heard in the air vent just above them, and an odd ghostly voice rang out: “Hairy wwizard you are, Potter. Wwait no I mean--” 

A muffled crash and shuffling was heard in the very same vent.

“But first you must go on a wwizard quest!” 

End of chapter one.


	2. Shove a Large Predatory Bird in a Suitcase, Maryam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave, Rose, and Kanaya accept their quest and see where the clues lead them next, around the meteor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos and the nice comment on the first chapter! We'll try to keep it up. Once again, co-written with the majestic yet elusive Mothman, (https://www.wattpad.com/user/charmingParadox)

The trio waited for the muffled banging and shuffling noises above them to stop, then watched as a red and gold piece of paper fluttered down from the vent. Because of the impressive height of the room, it took a very long time to reach them, and Dave began beatboxing as it finally landed on the surface of their table. There was a pause, and Rose snatched it up, a skeptical look twisting her face as she read the letter aloud. It was written in shaky murky red cursive, like someone had written it in finger paint. 

“You have been accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This is not only a school of magic, but it is the **best** school of magic. To prove you are magic enough to attend, you must finish a great wizard quest. Behold, and find the first clue on the Dumbliest of Doors. Good luck, future students. Signed, Headmaster.” Rose folded the paper carefully and set it on the table as Kanaya and Dave stared. “Well, wasn’t that just the--”

“Rad-est thing ever? Yes Rose I think I’d agree. This quest is off the charts. Better call in the president, no wait, the Prime Minister, of quests, because this--” 

Kanaya coughed and picked up the paper. “So is this how it went in the books? Did Harry accept his quest?” 

“Kanaya, this isn’t exactly canon. I don’t even know where this letter came fro--” Rose was interrupted yet again as Dave leapt to his feet and shoved the letter in his pocket. 

“Don’t you two worry about a thing. Maryam, better shove a large predatory bird in a suitcase because you’re about to get the full HP experience.” Rose shot Dave a glare, but he only adjusted his shades and made his way to the door, Kanaya following suit in a swish of her red skirt. Rose didn’t have much choice but to follow, but as she considered yet another quiet day on the meteor, suddenly a quest seemed like a good idea. 

 

Dave kneeled down with his hands on his knees and gave the door a good stare. “You know, I reckon there’s a clue to be found here.” Kanaya and Rose looked over his shoulder at the colorfully painted mural covering the back of the door of the room they’d just left. 

Rose peered at the crude images. “It’s the Hogwarts crest. Or a rough approximation of it, anyway. How did whoever dropped the letter get to our door so fast? I’d better devote some more time to mapping the airvent system here.”

Dave put an arm around Kanaya conspiratorially and lowered his glasses. “Psst. Between you and me, Maryam, I’d say there’s some magic involved here. Something spooky, one might say.” 

Rose rolled her eyes and continued to squint at the mural, deciphering the terrible handwriting. “The next clue may be found where the… shanks are crooked?”

Kanaya looked deeply troubled. “What do crooked shanks have to do with young wizards? I’m started to feel this plot is becoming needlessly convoluted.”

Dave placed a hand lightly on the door like he was feeling for a pulse, then started creeping down the hallway, acting like a spy. Or, more accurately, he resembled a child mimicking a spy from a movie. He let out a loud gurgling bird call then ducked behind a corner as the two girls followed behind. “Crookshanks was the cat. So we’re headed to the one place in this meteor that has as many cat puns as it has creepy alien romance novels and that place is…” He paused for an ironically styled, “dun, dun, dun,” and gestured back at Kanaya. 

“Nepeta and Equius’s halls? Or at least, the places where they’ve put most of their stuff.” Kanaya was slightly hesitant, mostly because names were difficult in the meteor. Were things rooms? Were they halls? Who knows. 

Dave creeped, Kanaya followed, and Rose watched the air vents along the long walk to Nepeta’s room. When they passed the first muscular horse mural they knew they were headed to the right place.


End file.
